Or,
at least to those of us on the consuming end of broadcast equipment, it seems
this way.
A
belated tip of the hat to the late Mel Crosby of Pineway Electronics, who
delivered this into my hands many years ago, and in the process cleared up many
a mystery!
A GUIDE TO INTERPRETING SPECS.
Manufacturers
have now developed a special language to proclaim the many virtues of their
products. Sometimes, these virtues
cannot be completely understood by the normal person until they have the
anointed translation. Here is your guide
to the wisdom of the ages!
NEW Different
colour from previous design.
ALL
NEW Parts
not interchangeable with other designs.
EXCLUSIVE Imported
product.
UNMATCHED Almost
as good as the competition.
DESIGN
SIMPLICITY Costs
cut to the bone. (Manufacturer’s
costs).
FOOLPROOF OPERATION No
provision for any adjustments at all.
ADVANCED
DESIGN The
advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S
HERE AT LAST Rush
job; nobody knew it was coming!
FIELD-TESTED Manufacturer
lacks good test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY Unit
on which all parts fit.
DIRECT
SALES ONLY Factory
had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS
OF DEVELOPMENT We finally got one that works.
UNPRECEDENTED
PERFORMANCE Nothing we had before ever
worked THIS way.
PRICE
BREAKTHROUGH We
finally figured out a way to sell it, and make even more profit.
FUTURISTIC No
other reason why it looks the way it does.
DISTINCTIVE A
different shape and colour from the others.
MAINTENANCE-FREE Impossible
to fix.
REDESIGNED Previous
faults are corrected, we hope.
HAND-CRAFTED Assembly
machines operated without gloves on.
PERFORMANCE
PROVEN Will operate
through the warranty period.
MEETS
ALL STANDARDS Ours,
not yours!
SATISFACTION
GUARANTEED Manufacturer’s, upon cashing
your cheque.
MICROPROCESSOR
CONTROLLED Does things we can’t
explain.
ALL
SOLID-STATE Heavy
as hell!
BROADCAST
QUALITY Gives a
picture and produces noise.
LATEST
AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY One of our techs
was recently laid off from Boeing.
HIGH
RELIABILITY We
made it work long enough to ship it.
HIGH
ACCURACY TOLERANCES Feels so
smooth!
SMPTE
BUS COMPATIBLE When
completed, it will be shipped by Greyhound.
BUILT
TO PRECISION TOLERANCES Finally got
all of it to fit together.
NEW GENERATION Our
old design didn’t work; this one should get us out of trouble.
MIL-SPEC
COMPONENTS Got a deal
at the Government Surplus auction.
24-HOUR
CUSTOMER SERVICE Within 24
ours, we can usually find a second person to ignore your problems.
CUSTOMER
SERVICE ACROSS You can return it
to us from most airports.
THE COUNTRY